What does the other person want?
There are two of you having sex. So take into account the other person’s wishes and boundaries, as well as your own. How do you find out what their boundaries are?
1. Recognise positive and negative signals
- They don’t kiss you back.
- They turn away from you, avoid contact with you.
- They keep coming up with reasons not to have sex.
- You always take the initiative, the other person rarely or never does.
- When you’re having sex, they don’t seem to enjoy it (don’t make many noises, don’t breathe heavily, she doesn’t get moist or he has difficulty getting an erection).
- They seek eye contact with you and flirt with you.
- They often touch you spontaneously.
- They initiate sex, try to seduce you.
- The other person clearly enjoys making love (makes noises, breathes heavily, gets excited: a woman gets moist or a man has an erection).
2. Ask for clarity!
Positive and negative signals are no guarantee. Always check with the other person if they really mean yes or no. Or just ask: do you fancy going to bed with me? And when you're together in bed ask: what do you feel like doing now? What turns you on?
3. From yes to no: pay attention
A ‘yes’ can turn into a ‘no’: sometimes the other person starts off wanting to kiss and make love, but changes their mind later. Or they want to kiss, but not all the time. So pay attention, signals can change.