Talk to each other
Talk about sex with your partner before you start. Tell your partner what you like doing and ask them what they want. Explain how your body responds to sex. You can also talk while making love, and afterwards. Do you find it difficult to start talking about it? Take the initiative and just do it. Or say out loud, ‘This isn’t easy for me to say ...’ Your partner probably thinks so too.
Turn it into a game
Each of you writes notes on what you’d like to do together, or about your fantasies. Take turns to pick out a note and discuss what's on it. See if your ideas match.
Tips for talking about sex
- Find a quiet place to talk. Do you want to talk about sex? Find somewhere relaxing, like on the sofa.
- What do you want yourself? Think about what you want. Be aware of your own boundaries and desires.
- Be courageous. Dare to say what you do and don't want. This will make you trust each other even more.
- Listen to your partner. Show your partner consideration. Learn from each other. You could say: ‘Let's try new things sometimes’. Or you could ask ‘What do you like doing?’
- Be clear about it. Speak plainly and think ahead. For example, you want to watch a film but don’t want to have sex. Say you’ll just watch a film in the living room, and are not planning to end up in the bedroom.
- Make sure you notice the signals your partner is giving out. You can tell your partner is in the mood for sex when: they moan with pleasure, they guide your hand over their body, they get aroused or they touch you in a certain way.
- Indicate how you feel about things. Let your partner know when you’re enjoying what’s happening. And use a definite ‘no’ if you really don't like something.
- Be aware of your own body language. Your body language is important - what signals are you giving out? Be aware of them. You can push someone away with your hand. But you can also use your hand to show someone what you want.
- ‘Maybe’ usually means ‘no’. Talking about sex can feel exciting. Sometimes someone isn't clear because they don't want to hurt you or are insecure. If someone doesn't say yes, it's ‘no’.
- Don't wait too long. Talk before it's too late. Talk before making love rather than during.
No = No
Imagine, you’re making love and you don't like what’s happening, so you say ‘No’. Do you actually mean ‘Yes’? Of course you don't! But some sex partners still think that. ‘No’ simply means ‘No’. And a woman or a man can say that at any time, whether they’re fully dressed or completely naked. A sex partner who doesn't listen when you say ‘No’ just doesn't deserve you.