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Not in the mood for sex

Are you not always in the mood for sex, and is it a problem? Don't worry. Lots of women and men are affected by this at times – and at any age. It often resolves itself. If you want to do something about it, start by finding the cause.

Why don’t you want sex?

  • You’ve been busy and you feel tired.
  • You have unpleasant memories of sex.
  • You’re insecure about your body.
  • You’re depressed or sad.
  • You didn't enjoy sex with your partner the last few times.
  • Your relationship is not going well, you feel hurt, irritated or angry with your partner.
  • The initial infatuation is over and your relationship and the sex is getting boring.

Your partner wants more sex than you do

When you have a long-term relationship, you find out whether you both have the same sex drives. You will notice that the desire for sex differs from person to person. Sometimes you're in touch with each other’s feelings and both want the same thing, sometimes you're not. Explain to your partner the best way to get you in the mood for sex.

How to get in the mood

Wanting sex doesn't just happen, you influence it yourself. First, you have to be open to sexual stimuli and how your body reacts to them.

10 tips for increasing your sex drive.

  1. Only have sex when you really want it.
  2. Have sex with someone you like, someone kind, interesting and exciting.
  3. Make sure you’re relaxed and don't have other things on your mind.
  4. Be open to the idea of wanting sex.
  5. Start by kissing and caressing and build it up slowly. Mention anything that doesn't feel good.
  6. Tell your partner what you like and what turns you on.
  7. Try out new things with your partner.
  8. Make sure you feel attractive. Go to the gym, take care of yourself, wear something that makes you feel attractive.
  9. Discover your own body. What turns you on?
  10. Watch a sex film or read some sex stories.

What do you fancy?

Some young people say they don’t feel like having sex. They mean they don't feel like having penetrative sex. They do want to be with the other person and to be intimate with them. Do you want to kiss and caress? That’s sex too.

When you’re asexual, it means that sex doesn't interest you at all. It leaves you cold. According to estimates, 1% of people are asexual, but sadly, not much more is known about it. AVEN, the organisation of asexual people, has a website with more information. Have you never longed for sex? There's a good chance this will change when you come into puberty or when you fall in love.

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